Not Quite Like Me
by HawkPeregrin
Summary: Each assistant captain of the soul society from the point of view of a certain narcissist. 13 companies, 13 chapters.
1. Chojiro Sasakibe

Chojiro Sasakibe was, in fact, a loner.

I've never really seen him talk with anyone other than Captain General Yamamoto. He's always been one to be skulking in the background, going completely unnoticed until he spoke (which rarely happened), scaring everybody.

He didn''t fight. He didn't take charge of anything, albeit being an assistant captain. He didn't seem to to anything at all.

He wasn't even beautiful. Not like me.

Of course, I'm sure he was strong. Why else would the Captain General choose him as assistant captain?

Most people don't seem to notice, but Sasakibe was very loyal to Captain Yamamoto. It's almost frightening, but beautiful in it's own right, I suppose.

Not as beautiful as me, of course.

* * *

I'm using past tense beacause he's dead, not because I'm a crappy author. Sorry if I spoiled stuff for you. ^^'


	2. Mayechiro Omaeda

Mayechiro Omaeda is one of the most _hideous _creatures to _ever _become a shinigami.

He's always stuffing his unsightly face with food, scratching that big, ugly nose and he struts around like he's something amazing! It's so _infuriating!  
_  
Even if he _is _an assistant captain, I could never bring myself to respect some one who is so horribly revolting.

Why was he even chosen for the battle for Karakura Town? I can't see him as some one strong enough to be chosen.

I _might _have been able to see him fight if _Kira _hadn't gone and knocked me out like that.

I know he isn't as pathetic as his face is, if he survived that battle. At least, less pathetic than I had originally thought. So he's a bit strong, despite being ugly.

He could never become as strong as me, though.


	3. Izuru Kira

Izuru Kira is the absolute worst.

I mean, come on. He used a damn _gaten _on me, not only putting that _horrible _liquid on my beautiful face, but -in a sense- _attacking _me when I was -and I'm never going to admit this- very _vulnerable._ At least Hisagi had the guts to confront me!_ Face-to-beautiful-face!_

He may be higher than me in rank, but he deserves no more respect from me than that horrible _gorilla _of a ryoka.

All he does is mope about all day, trying to forget about his traitor of a captain- well, ex-captain. It's disgusting.

If you're so damn _dissapointed _in him, get stronger! Strong enough to kick his traitorous butt and make him _regret _choosing the wrong side-  
Wait, sorry Kira. I forgot.  
Ichimaru is _dead.  
_  
But you know what? He died trying to protect some one.

Ichimaru died a beautiful death, something I don't think you could ever do. You can't do anything beautiful. Not anymore.


	4. Isane Kotetsu

Isane Kotetsu is a somewhat childish assistant captain.

It's true, honestly, though she's nothing compared to Yachiru. When I was helping Yachiru pick out a swimsuit in the world of the living (for some Female Soul Reaper Commity event), we were in the same store, and I happened to notice her prefered swimsuit -Isane's, that is. It was very childish, and quite modest. Is it simply that she doesn't like anyone looking at her bare skin?

I can understand that. See, it's not that I'm embarassed, I just know I'm too beautiful for the average person to look at.

It's not that I think she's ugly, I just feel she should grow up a bit. If she grew out her hair, it would be beautiful. Silver is such a lovely colour, and the braid she wears compliments it quite nicely.

Of course, it's obvious the braid look so much better on me, no?

Yumichika got a new hairstyle, just in case anyone hasen't seen it. If you want to see what it looks like, just type in 'Yumichika's new look' in google, or go look in chapter 482 (page 14) online.


	5. Momo Hinamori

Momo Hinamori is pathetic to a point of ugliness.

I'm sure several people wouldn't hesitate to slap me if I said that to anyone, but it's true. She was so reliant on her captain -too reliant, in fact- that when he left, she had no idea what to do anymore.

I admit, I may have the situation wrong -but. Even after Aizen went and betrayed us all, she still believed on him.  
Because of that, he was able to manipulate and use her again.

I don't think she's pathetic because she was sad when Aizen betrayed the her and the rest of us. It's not that at all.

I know it's horrible when something you thought was so beautiful reveals itself to be distastefully hideous.

The reason I think she's pathetic is that she can't stand up on her own two feet. She isn't moving on with her own life, and she certainly isn't trying to rise up to the postition of assistant captain of the fifth company.

That's just weak.

I'm sorry Hinamori, but you are weak.

I'd say that to your face, but people might see my personality in a bit of an uglier fashion. Good thing uly us something I'm not.


	6. Renji Abarai

Renji Abarai's courage is beautiful, but his temper is something else entirely.

See, I don't dislike Renji, not at all. I just wish he never left eleventh company.

Rank shouldn't matter. If you're strong, you're strong. You shouldn't need a rank to prove that.

That's what I believe.

Take me, for example. I'm a fifth seat, and I'm sure I could kick Renji's butt in a fight. That's exactly what happened to Hisagi. He got beat a a 'mere fifth seat'.

Even though Renji has great fighting spirit, he really needs to control that temper of his. He's so hot-headed.

See, we already have Ikkaku. We don't need anymore hot-headed warriors. Actually, we have the whole eleventh company. We don't need anymore hot-headed people.

Especially hot-headed red-heads.

Oh, and Renji's fighting spirit isn't as beautiful as mine.


	7. Tetsuzaemon Iba

Tetsuzaemon Iba is surprisingly intelligent.

No, he didn't start out that way -not at all- but not only is he intelligent, he is very much a 'mama's boy'.

See, his mother was once an assistant captain, so she wanted him to be an assistant captain. Which is why he studied all areas of possible expertise, including intelligence. He prefers to describe himself as the term 'well rounded' goes.

That could sound really interesting, if you think about in another way.

Though he is rounded, he isn't nearly as intelligent or as beautiful as me.

See, that's why I'm also stronger than him. He took the time to practice all sorts of things, but I've focused on two things only; being strong and being beautiful.

Iba's also what some people would call a 'jack of all trades but master of none'. Of course, Ikkaku says that sometimes, Iba can be a different kind of 'jack' all together.

Funny how that works.

It's not like Ikkaku doesn't like Iba. Ikkaku just doesn't like the way he's so okay with using kido for someone who used to be a member of eleventh company.

The thing is, no matter how hard Iba tries, I'll always be stronger -and more beautiful. That's just how things work.

* * *

I wanted to keep this k+ rated, so when Ikkaku says he can be a different kind of 'jack' please try to understand why that might not make sense.

Also, when Yumichika sais that being well rounded could sound interesting if you think about it in another way, you'll only understanf that if you're sick-minded like me... sorry.


	8. Nanao Ise

Nanao Ise is, in fact, a very caring person.

It doesn't really seem like it, sometime. Especially in Captain Kyouraku's case.

But it's true.

She's always there to back him up when he needs, whether it's when he's fighting or it's one of those rare moments in which he needs moral support.

And she's smart, which helps her support the amount of people in the Soul Society who _aren't._

That, of course, does not include me. My intelligence exceeds that of most people.

Ise also watches over Yachiru -which is no easy task. When Yachiru wanders off or gets into trouble, Ise is the first (outside of eleventh company) to go looking for her.

Vice captain Ise puts up a strong front, but she's actually somewhat soft -not weak, just soft. Of course, that's okay. If she can handle Yachiru, than one really can't complain.

Though how Yachiru became _chairwoman _of the Female Soul Reaper Commity and Ise _vice-_chairwoman, I'll never know.

I know that I'm able to handle Yachiru better than Ise, though.


	9. Shuuhei Hisagi

Shuuhei Hisagi is the strangest among the strange.

I think he himself knows this, along with everyone else in the soul society.

The strange tattoo on his face, the way he tucks in the sleeves of his uniform, and the strange phenomenom of nobody really knowing what his personality's like even though everybody's talked to him all just add to the puzzle called 'Hisagi'.

Though he is strange, his looks make up for that.

He looks nice, but I'm unquestionably more beautiful.

I recall hearing from Iba about a time when Vice Captain Ise was collecting ideas for the _Jumpfest _stalls, going by each company captain (or vice captain, if a captain could not be reached), asking for samples of what they could have, and it had to represent their company.

According to Iba, Hisagi turned out to be a great cook, and he had shown Nanao some sushi. After saying it needed to be more 'him', Vice Captain Ise said she'd put a 69 on it somewhere, which might have people thinking weirdly of Ninth Company.

Apparently, Hisagi was completely confused as to what 'more him' meant. How cute!

Unlike Hisagi, I know what word describes me _exactly._ It's obvious. Beautiful.

* * *

In Colour Bleach (a side book), each company had to come up with a product for Jumpfest in the world of the living, and Hisagi had no idea what to do. You should have seen his face ^^'


	10. Rangiku Matsumoto

Rangiku Matusmoto is very considerate, yet very, very considerate.

If you're sad, Matsumoto will ask you what's wrong, and if you say nothing, she'll say she'll do painful things if you don't tell her.

This tells you two things. One thing is that she doesn't care if she has to physically hurt you to get what she wants.

The second thing is that she really wants to know what's going on so she can comfort you so you don't feel sad anymore. It's ironic how that works.

I just wish that Matsumoto would understand that if I don't tell her something, it's because I don't _want _to be comforted.

At least, not by her. Because she gossips.

Can't that woman keep a secret to herself?

Oh, and I forgot to mention that if you don't tell her what's wrong a you're a _guy, _she'll somehow manage to use her cleavage against you.

The great thing is, Matsumoto can't use her cleavage against me, because I don't care for that sort of thing.

And she can't say anything bad about me. What bad things are there to say about someone as beautiful as me?


	11. Yachiru Kusajishi

Yachiru Kusajishi is the scariest vice captain is the thirteen Court Guard Companies.

This is why she and the captain make such a great team. Kenpachi's got the brute strength and monstrous aura, and Yachiru's got the ability to do things that people would never have had dreamed -or rather, have had nightmares- of happening to them.

The scrariest part about it is that everyone know's she'll do it.

Just like how she chews on Ikkaku's head.

I, of course, know more beautiful, less painful but equally effective ways of annoying Ikkaku.

One of the scariest things about Yachiru is that she's so young, yet she _enjoys _being in eleventh company, with all the blood and booze.

Some people say it's the way Kenpachi brought her up. Honestly, I think it's just Yachiru. She just ended up with someone a lot like herself.

Although she's scary, Yachiru is just so adorable! She certainly livens up eleventh company. Lots of us in eleventh company would never admit, but we all love her.

Of course, the only people Yachiru loves _back _are Vice Captain Ise, Kenpachi, Ikkaku, and, of course, myself.


	12. Nemu Kurotsuchi

Nemu Kurotsuchi is a living, breathing robot.

That, or she is just the most obediaent, emotionless soul reaper to ever step foot in the soul society. The only things you'll hear her say are either facts pertaining to whatever is happening at the moment, or 'yes, Lord Mayuri'.

Or 'yes, Mayuri-_sama_'.

Or 'I'm sorry, Mayuri-_taichou_'.

She doesn't _listen _to anyone but him!

How can she obey someone as hideous as _him,_ and ignore someone as beautiful as _me? _It's so insulting!

It's interesting, though. There are only two companies on the Soul Society who have had a captain/assistant captain duo that have ever been related.

The first is Sixth Company, with Captain Kuchiki's grandfather (Ginrei Kuchiki), as captain, and Kuchiki's father (Sojun Kuchiki), as assistant captain.

The other company is twelfth, with Kurotsuchi (Mayuri) as captain, and Kurotsuchi (Nemu) as assistant captain.

I wonder what kind of expression Captain Kuchiki (Byakuya) would have if he found out he and Captain Kurotsuchi were in any way similar. Ignoring the fact that it was simply his father and grandfather.

The captain and vice captain of twelfth company may not care for that, unfortunately.

I, admitingly, would be laughing my beautiful head off.

* * *

Taichou means captain in japanese, and is used as an honorific, describing the person as such.


	13. Kiyone Kotetsu and Sentaro Kutsobaki

Kiyone Kotetsu and Sentaro Kutsobashi have a beautiful rivalry going on between them.

Even though the arguements they sometimes have may be be unpleasant to watch (there's nothing beautiful about them at all), the rivalry itself has some beauty in it.

It's simply that in their mission to beat eachother, they've bcome stronger, _so _they can beat eachother, or, simply put, _stronger than_ the other. It's rather quite beautiful.

Everyone knows they'll never be as strong -or as beautiful as me.

I recall Ikkaku telling me about the time about a sand-sculpture contest some soul reapers took part in when they went to the beach (I didn't go because I don't want the sun to damage my skin).

What had happened was their captain, Ukitake, had taken a nap on the sand. Sentaro built a two foot tall wall of sand around him to 'protect him from the breeze'. Kiyone then argued that it was better to protect him from the sun, so she put sakura blossoms in the wall. They kept wanting to be more helpful than the other, so they put incense candles and a basket of fruit by the wall.

Now it looked like Ukitake had died, and this was his funeral, which is ironic, because Ukitake is so very sickly.

Acording to Ikkaku, they won the sand sculting contest.

They're rivalry can make beautiful outcomes, as previously demonstrated.

I, of course, can make _anything _beautiful all on my own.


End file.
